When my best friend got cancer, I thought that she would show the world how she would heal from it and how to use all the powerful tools that we have. What I discovered is that there is only so much we have control of in our lives. Also, it is up to that person. Perhaps they decide that it is their time and they have acceptance around it.
The five stages of grief include (It doesn’t have to happen in this order, yet these are stages to be aware of):
1. Denial
Often, it is simply too big for us to handle. Our brain, mind, and body have a wonderful way of helping us cope with things as they arise. One of those ways can be denial. This can show up by almost pretending it didn’t happen perhaps by working as usual or continuing on with your routine at the same pace as prior the loss. We know that it has happened at some level, yet we don’t always allow ourselves to go to a place to start going through the following steps of grief such as anger and sadness. It’s ok to be in this stage. Have awareness of what may be next.
2. Anger
Whether you are angry with God, doctors, the vet, or with people for what they say to you or don’t say to you. You may notice people say to you, “It was their time. They have gone to do better work on the other side”, or “You have a guardian angel now”, etc. Although that may be true, we are here to have this human experience. We are here to experience emotional grief and healing from these experiences.
You cannot go around it or pretend it didn’t happen. It is something you will have to move through. Anger is a powerful tool to help catalyze the healing. Whether you scream at the top of the lungs in your car, go out to the desert where you have a lot of space to channel and release that anger, journaling, or punching a pillow, give yourself an outlet for the anger. This is very important as it’s key to not keep it in your body.
3. Bargaining
Bargaining may sound like, “I promise if you bring this person back, I promise I’ll never do this again. I promise next time I’ll do it differently.” Bargaining with the Universe or Source to bring things back to how they were. We know that’s not possible. It’s another tool for us to cope.
4. Sadness and Depression
Allow yourself to cry. You may not be able to cry at first and that’s ok. Some suggestions to help tap into your sadness for a healthy release are to share about it. Go into detail about this love or thing that you’ve lost. Share about them, describe them. If that’s too hard, get a sad book that has a similar story that will allow you access your experience.
Another option is to watch a sad movie and allow yourself to experience it through the film. These are powerful ways to allow the sadness to come through. Allow yourself to co-exist with the sadness without resisting it. The more you resist it, the more you are prolonging the healing. Allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to let go and be supported.
5. Acceptance
This doesn’t mean you forget the experience, the person, or animal but you come into peace and knowing what is, is.
Here are some things that might come up for you during this healing and grieving process:
1. Jealousy
You may notice you feel jealous when you see people who are happy and joyous if you’re finding it hard to smile, let alone laugh. That’s ok. It’s very normal.
2. Confusion
It’s very normal to feel confused about how this happened, why it happened, and not understanding how it happened. Trust that within the confusion, the clarity will eventually come. This doesn’t mean we may necessary ever truly understand why a person may have passed over at a young age but coming into the place of acceptance.
3. Fear of your own mortality
After I lost my best friend, I was frightened to fly, to drive over a big bridge, or hike. I was afraid to do things that I usually would have done in my sleep with no question at all. It showed me that I had things to release. As you start to release and grieve over this experience, other experiences from your past all the way back to birth or past lives can arise as well. Look at this as a gift. Let go and embrace that. Journaling can be really powerful to allow you to move through it.
Love, Amanda
